on doctoring

this was something i wrote recently, in a sort of black mood about work. it has been therapeutic to begin to come back to writing. it makes me feel like i am coming home again to something, to a process that has been such a story thread in my life. sometimes i do wonder if anything in the world would suit me like this job does, this doctoring. i believe in my heart of hearts that God began a deep and important journey when he set me out on this path. With the end goal in mind not as i so strongly and previous thought, so i could become a physician, but so that he could Change me.
Sometimes though, the pure exposure to the pathos of people's lives and literally their insides has an intensity like a halogen flame, and this bit came out of that place.

sometimes i love this
sometimes i absolutely hate it.
sometimes i pray that i find the spirit
to keep going.
sometimes my heart spirals so fast
pump function fails me and my heart is heartless.
My life pours itself out,
presses out as beating blood against
thin translucent capillary walls.

i pray that i turn into them:
into their body lying on the gurney bed,
that i could be the wrist banded patient
for one moment,

for one moment a team of people
would converge on my body
and pound my chest,
restart my heart,
pour new blood into my veins.
as if transfusion could
Transform me.