a real doctor

i could beam, i could cry. i had one of those brilliant shifts filled with grateful patients, my favorite attending physician to work with, and some mysterious energy that kept welling up in my heart. it was one of those days i felt like i stepped into beautiful care worn shoes that were made for me, worn in for me, and yet there was a glorious newness to their familiarity. somedays being a doctor utterly surprises me. i feel shiny and unborn in this world, where drug names elude me, and where sometimes i fear i hover too long talking to the patients while time clacks away around the flimsy curtain that keeps me in talking. Today I will remember. Today was a good day, a day where patients looked at me and said "thank you for updating me. it means a lot just to know the results." other days they are scrimpy and grumpy and don't say thank you at all, and that is okay too, and understandable. i actually mostly feel sorry for patients for even being in the ER at all; seeing as how any health care provider i know plans strongly on never being a patient.
I did my second Paracentesis today, and pulled 4 liters of fluid from the abomen of a funny yellow man with liver failure, who I swear was wearing lipstick. and it was SO absolutely cool, and i realize all over again what a wild rush it is to do invasive procedures, and i don't care how sick that makes me, but i do love it. where the whole world fish-eyes into the lens of that procedure, and for 20 minutes, sewing the laceration or doing the lumbar puncture is all you think about, nothing else even exists. it is the most wonderful siphoning down of existing.
geez, i am certainly not getting sleepy like i am supposed to. but laying down the railroad tracks of joy tonight means more to me than i can ever say. and my favorite favorite attending's words to me still ring in my ears, that I am doing wonderfully, and that he enjoys working with me. my gosh, my heart was pounding with the thankfulness that i feel that way about him.
"thank you God for this good day, it is a gift from you." ---fernando ortega